Dear Unborn Child 

I might be unable to conceive. Stupid girl, lying and joking about it. 

It’s a curious feeling; I never thought I wanted children, too much trouble I thought. 

But I every now and then, my female instincts would take over, and I would find comfort in future moments when I would have a baby girl to call my own. I would kiss her hands every day and I would tell her I love her, so much until she got sick of me. I feel like once again I’m grieving the death of someone I haven’t even met, yet loved unconditionally. 

As though I would like to apologize to that unborn child to which I never even gave the opportunity of life. 

Like I want to tell her, losing her before I even got to hold her kills me. 

Like I lost a purpose, I didn’t even know I had. 

Dear unborn child, 

I think I’ll love you forever, more so every day that passes me by and ages me cruelly. While you remain honest, pure, and intact.  
We are all born mothers. 

And I will always be yours no matter what. 

Boddah 

in a naive torture

of a mind’s eternal rupture

in dreams I capture

myself’s lying sculpture.

deep are the waters of redemption

of the things I thought I should not mention.

wishes that are the emancipation of hope,

things one should know how to cope.

a blue ressurection 

of a soul’s reincarnation.

dissolve into last breaths of past iconic symbols. 

oh, but where has the humanity gone?

put the gun away , beautiful son. 
  

Slumber

In a hypocritical essence
Of a momentous glory past,
Tears of gold fall like
Warm precipitation from the eyes of children,
Whose hope was ripped from their hands
Like an adept infatuation
Of a soulful decapitation
The emasculation of humanity,
Spiders crawling under thin skin,
Represented by the most mischievous of grins.
We’ve only known of words,
That are tied together like strings,
Knee shaking fear of what the future brings
The continuity of life forsakes us
As society slowly breaks us.
With a gun to our heads,
We smile, as though we’re calm,
Lying in our beds
Waiting for a peaceful sleep to come,
As though that’s the only thing that will give us stamina to run.
I’ve grown past the point of teaching people to wake up,
Intoxicated slumber is the only thing that shakes them up.
Toxic beliefs infest the human brain,
Why won’t anyone comprehend,
It’s all a game of tame.
Swallow pills like candy flossed dreams,
In hopeful blindsight that everything is, and will be,
As it all seems.
If an embrace could cure cancer then everyone would love,
But as our soul slowly festers and rots,
Humanity appears to be long gone and lost.
So don’t wake up and refuse to dream,
It’s now become your one true right,
To forsake the human team.
So sleep tight naive children and keep your Soul shut,
And hopefully the tears of gold will drown you,
With eyes closed and arms open.
And just maybe then, we’ll all make the cut.

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Poetry

it’s lonely to be alive
Souls trapped in skinned vessels.
caged away in bitter mortality taught to calculate,
so they can count backwards the breaths.
until the liberating hiss of destination.
it is not a light.
it’s dark, wet, and scary
a recreation of nightmarish fever dreams.
when the sun is orange coated and melancholic
as the day deems its’ own end
in my young and foolish ways, i was lead to believe
a man falls as the night swallows the sun
but there is no beauty in passing
all of creation does not salute
does not bow down in an honorable embrace
life ends in darkness and deformity,
a degradation of sanity.
it’s brutal like self afflicted mutilation.
when Soul and mind where condemned in a flesh bound prison,
they were meant to experience pain and decay,
they should roughen the mortal embrace.
the Soul tries to peak through the scratches,
trying to escape a world of acute emasculation.
the rougher the edges,
the more Soul will peak through.
until one day satisfied,
though still with much more pain
the Soul rips its’ cage apart
and is free to run wild
amongst the gods
or anything that evokes significance.
but i would not know,
i fear my skin is too thick,
and my soul is too weak.

Theory 4: Heartbreak

Let’s talk a little bit about heartbreak. We’ve all experienced it, whether it was circumstances, rejection, or even plain bitterness, truth be told getting your heart broken is probably the worst feeling in the world. I don’t know exactly how to tie the words together so the describe this feeling, but it’s that sort of tightness in your chest that oozes desperation and makes you feel as hopeless as can be. When you look back to the past, and you remember all the wonderful experiences shared with a person, and God help you, you would do absolutely everything to make this terrible feeling go away and just go back to how beautiful it was when it first started. That’s heartbreak in a nutshell. All at least the way I’ve experienced it, and trust me I have cried a lot over certain people. However, the reason I am writing this post, is that I have come to certain realisations as I gain life experience. I read in a book once “you’re lucky if you’re in love, because most of us are just bitter over someone”, and it hit me like a big ton of bricks. Why is it that people don’t just snap out of feelings, or a situation and just get over it? People glorify the past, it’s what’s certain for them, and fear the future. What if they never find someone to love them as much the previous person? What if they were the one and they threw away their only opportunity for happiness? It’s what is given to you by all the Hollywood movies, and all the Bronte and Jane Austen novels that decorate your home libraries, life is not all about finding someone else and giving yourself to them, not always. Yes, I sound like a cynic, and no, I do not reject the idea of love and companionship, I admire it the most out of all the feelings in the world. It’s just that I have seen myself get heartbroken too many times, and I have seen myself lose function and control of my life one too many times because the person that I depended on, simply broke my heart, whether he would want it or not. Yes, you might call me weak, and maybe I am, but I am writing this for all the tortured romantics and idealists that have lost their hope. I felt the same once, like I couldn’t function on my own, and God help me, I am far too young to feel like that. And suddenly I had to worry about other things, like paying my rent, or earning extra money to start putting aside for my book. And I will always write for love, because the purity of it is the most beautiful, extravagant and rarest thing in the world, but life is so much bigger than heartbreak. Heartbreak is meant to be experienced, to be felt with every aching bone and muscle in your body. Don’t fear the pain, embrace it, let it build you, and create things out of it. Beautiful things arise from terrible ones. Just don’t dwell in pain, and don’t get too comfortable in it, remember that this is meant to sculpture your soul and arm you with experience. It’s easier said than done though, isn’t it? If you’re reading this and you’ve recently had your heart ripped in half, I’m sure you’re just thinking I’m preaching nonsense. But I promise you I’m not. And you might think that this will never get better, and you will always feel like this. Embrace the pain let it build, listen to your heart wrenching song and cry your heart out, it’s such an honest expression. And let the days pass one by one, and one day, you’ll be getting up to go to work, and you’ll sit in the tube, and the person across from you will flash you a smile, and a look we all know all too well, and suddenly you’ll smile and remember that I was right.

To those that broke my heart, far too many times:
Thank you.

Theory 3: People

As mentioned in my previous post, these past few months have proven to be very transitional for me. I have started sorting out my life and most of all myself.  Ever since I started University in London I have met many different people and all of them have affected my life in various ways. From the girl that I used to spend most of my time with in her little blue dorm room, to living with my best friend in my first house. I have been blessed to say the least, in every way. People have let me down, I will not lie. Tears and anger have gone a long way inside of me, all until I realized that each person you meet is a story. Every person you come across, is the sum of what experiences, emotions, and circumstances have made them. Each person you meet loves something, fears something, and has lost something. Remember that. I started University with the potential for everything, potential to become whoever I wanted to be, and to meet people that would fill up my days with love and laughter. The funny thing about me, and I see this as a major character flaw and set back, is that my emotions have everything to do with the people I interact with. I’m more of a ride or die person, I attach myself to the people I love and feel comfortable with, I forgive all their flaws and expect the same from them, in addition to the fact that I will do anything humanly possible to see them happy, because that transfers into me instantly. I depend on people way to much, and this has proven to be very disappointing most of the time. I have come to the conclusion that people are social beings that have that inner need to belong, at least that’s what they taught us in our psychology course, however with the technological development of 21rst century, I can help but look around and see how easy communication has become, and how insignificant it is to interact with the people around you when you have a whole friend list from all over the world that comes alive with one touch of your finger. As though human need for empowerment and control is summed up in that little piece of machine that has become imperative we carry around everywhere. I’m part of a group of friends, and when I try to remember them, the first image that comes to mind the brightness of their face, transfered from their phone. I know more about the type of machinery they use, and what they prefer to do with it, than I do about them. Them as people, as separate individuals, that think and have opinions, have likes and needs. I don’t know my friends’ favorite colors, but I do know how many Facebook friends they have. And them again, when we’ll all hang around together, there will always be that one person that manically checks their phone, which is almost as though that transfers a subliminal message to everyone else and suddenly everyone reaches out to their phone (reach out is a bad choice of word, it’s never that far away). And this disappoints me and gets me angry. I get angry at myself as well, when I realize that if I lost  my phone, well, I’d be monumentally screwed. What defines us as people, are not our experiences and our stories, it’s what is inclusive in our phones. Which sucks ass. I find myself not having many things to say anymore to anyone. I’d rather remain quiet and look through the images in my phone. That’s bullshit. I want to speak to people, to truly get to know them. I want to talk about art, culture, movies, and life. I’m sick of lives controlled by screens. And then you’ll just look at this as you read it, your eyebrows raised, “Um. This is a blog. It’s online. What are you going on about?” Don’t get me wrong, I feel like a fucking hypocrite as it is going on about how terrible it is that people get sucked into screens, whereas I’m sitting here typing on my computer, Facebook and Youtube opened in tabs next to this, and my Iphone on my lap. Trust me I would rather be writing in my little red notebook and be sipping wine and smoking cigarettes in Paris, but  don;t get me wrong from all of this. I don’t reject technology, not at all, I’m even proud of the human race that has developed such skills. I just disapprove being sucked into a virtual world and rejecting moments. It would be a cliche on my part to say something like live in the moment, or something like that, but moments past, and memories build up, and I would rather have a million memories of people around me and simply how they would stand in a room, rather than memories of scrolling through Profile Pictures. I miss having soul consuming conversations, I miss drinking one and appreciating the beauty of the simplest moments. And I miss doing that with other people. Because I want to take the people I love by the hand and be like, “look at how damn beautiful the British sky is, how majestic and ominous the clouds are, but how hopeful the sun glimmers through the darkness” Now that should make everyone happy. And all I see are bored faces, and minds fills with fast knowledge, fast information, fast images, and fast internet. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about 4G, and mega G, and stuff that I don’t even understand. Again, I ‘m not rejecting technology, not at all. Use it wisely. It’s such a privilege we have had, to be able to use our minds in such ways that we havecreated new worlds through a screen, we are blessed, but that’s not all there is. Appreciate beauty, appreciate people. You don’t even have to speak. Sit next to them, see how they act, listen to their breathing,  look at how they stand in the room. Appreciate how beautiful it is to have another human being standing next to you and sharing the rarity of this extraordinary moment just with you.

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Take 2

large (8)Yes, I have been very bad with keeping up with the blog. But I have had alot of sorting out to do with my life. Which is a good thing, because finally I have a few things to get off my chest and finally write about. So, let’s try this once more, happy writing for me, and happy reading for you. I sure hope you hang around to see what else is going on around here these next few weeks, because many changes have created bigger thoughts and ideas. Let’s see
Love,
Dana